I can’t fall asleep tonight and it is pissing me off. This always happens whenever I finish a book or a series of some kind. Something that I have an emotional connection too.
God Damn it.
Hey Average Joes and Janes,
I have always loved discovering new things. That feeling you get when you hear a band for the first time and you instantly connect with the music and lyrics, or the excitement that swells up inside you when blast through an entire season of a show you just discovered on Netflix. These are the things that I live for. The thrill of learning you have just found something that connects with you on so many levels.
Within a matter of hours you learn every characters name, every back story, every single lyric and musical cue. You begin to find your favorite albums and episodes and begin sifting through the internet for anything you might have missed. The excitement just runs through your body and you know in your heart you have found something new to look forward too each day.
Everyday I wake up eager to discover something new, because I know if I don’t then eventually everything becomes routine and boring. Why live your life bored. Get out and explore, whether it be for new TV shows to watch or different music to listen to or even new experiences to have. Wake up each day determined to find something you never seen before and have it consume you.
I guarantee you’ll live a happier life then you did before.
Till next time,
Hey Average Joes and Janes,
It’s story time.
Back in July I reunited with an old ex and thought I could get our fires of passion burning again. In the end it turns out I was wrong, but I did get something out of this whole experience.
You see, I have been in love with this girl since the moment I met her. Through the years my feelings for her have only gotten stronger. For me, she is the one who got away. The one I should have stayed and fought for, instead of just stepping aside and letting her walk away. That’s likely one of the reasons I still chase after her.
After seeing her for the first time in a year my feelings for her came rushing back and I decided to try to win her heart again. So I did Insanity, lost a lot of weight, got in shape and was looking really good. And I did it for her.
We started hanging out again and for 2 months I tried my hardest to get her to take me back. I went out to dinners with her, took her bowling with my friends every week, even went to a party with her just so she had someone there that she knew. In the end however it was all in vain as she just didn’t feel the same for me and, if that wasn’t bad enough, she was getting back together with her other ex.
Yet still I tried. I kept hanging out with her, making her laugh, comforting her when she cried, just being there when she needed me. To me, He was just another obstacle I had to overcome. And I thought things were finally turning around when a couple days after Christmas she called me crying on the phone at midnight and asked me to stay with her at her apartment for the night because she didn’t want to be alone.
She called me. Not her boyfriend. Me. I jumped into my car as fast as I could and bolted to her place. She ended up being ok, just a bi-polar moment as she put it, but I stayed anyway and we talked and laughed and had a good time. It made me feel special. It made me feel like I was important to her. I finally felt like things were going my way.
I haven’t seen her since.
I haven’t talked to her since new years eve either, where she just kind of blew me off when I tried to text her. In that moment I realized I was giving so much up for this girl and getting walked all over in return. This was going nowhere. I needed to cut my losses and finally let go.
I looked back on those last few months and saw that I was becoming worse than when I started off. I started gaining the weight back, lost all motivation to do anything and almost started pushing people away. It scares me to think where I might have ended up if I continued the way I did.
I’m not saying it was easy. Letting go of your best friend is like going through withdrawal. I no longer have that person I can talk too when I need them, or just hang out and laugh with. And I’m still so madly in love with her. But I am letting go. I’m finally moving on.
You can’t let things drag you down in life. There is only a limited amount of time that you have on this earth and it shouldn’t be wasted pining over someone who doesn’t feel the same as you. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. There is only so much you can do.
I used to think I knew what the saying “If you love someone let them go, if they come back to you then they were always yours” meant, but I forgot the part that says “If they don’t, then they never were”.
Know when to let go. If you don’t than that anchor is likely to drown you out at sea.
Till Next Time,
Hey Average Joes and Janes,
So a couple days ago we left 2012 behind and Welcomed 2013 with open arms (Well I did at least) and for the first time in a long time I’m really excited for the New Year. A lot of things happened in 2012, but I really feel that 2013 is THE year. I feel some big changes coming, and I can’t wait to find out what they are.
The First big change is my well being. Back in August I undertook the arduous journey that is known as the Insanity challenge and came out on top. In 2 months I lost 25 pounds and felt great. Unfortunately I took a break from my workouts and although I didn’t gain it all back, I am starting to look out of shape again. On Monday I rebooted the challenge and so far this week has been kicking my butt. Guess that’s what I get for being lazy. My starting weight is 190 and I hope to get down to at least 170 by the end of February. Ultimately I want to be down to 150 by my 22nd birthday in June, so if all goes smoothly I should have no problem achieving my goal.
The Next big change I’m bringing this year will be writing more on this blog. I have been neglecting it and so much has happened that I never got to tell you about. I’ve made a promise to myself that I will update this blog at least 3 to 4 times a month. That’s once a week. No sweat. I’m even going to try coming up with weekly topics to write about, if you have any suggestions let me know!
It’s time I started thinking about my role in the days ahead and where I want to go in life. And after much thinking and meditating I am realizing more each day that I want to settle down. Some would say I’m too young and that I’d never be able to support a family where I’m at right now, but as the days go by I’m slowly realizing that I don’t want to just date girls and fool around with them anymore. I want commitment. I want to start a family.
Which brings us to my biggest change this year, Preparing for my Family. I’m going to start by getting my boiler operator’s license and getting a full time job. And of course this also means I need to start looking for a wife. At times it feels like I’ll never find her, but there’s just something out there that is calling out to me and telling me this is it. This is the year I find her. I can’t explain it, but I just know I’m going to find her somehow. I’m getting excited just thinking about it.
This year is going to be a big year for me, and I want to share it with as many people as I can. I hope you join me in the many adventures I’m sure are bound to happen. And I hope that this year is just as big for you as well, and maybe even share some of it with me too.
Till next time,
all right, guys. Today I’m trying something new. I just got the Dragon software and I’m trying it out today on my blog. I’m not sure how this is going to go but we’ll see.
So far it’s pretty good. I mean it seems to be picking up one of saying pretty well. I just have to get used to talking to my computer now instead of actually typing it. My thoughts tend to flow more freely now though why me to think more about what I want to say instead of actually trying to type it out there and losing focus on my thoughts right now. I’m currently writing this whole thing through the use of Dragon and I think him and start using it more often because I mean this is really easy.
it’s a lot easier to just talk to you guys with my natural voice to get what I want to say out there instead of actually typing out and losing focus. Reading back it sounds more like I’m my talking.
The only problem I see with this is the people can hear what I’m trying to write and I don’t necessarily like that sometimes writing for me is a very private thing. I don’t like when people are reading over my shoulder or reading as I’m writing something. It just makes a very uncomfortable. But I guess that’s what I have my Journal for now.
All in all this is a really good product and I’m definitely going to be using it, especially for my Blog, only because it’s a lot faster than typing and it really does focus my thoughts. I can just talk to you guys now instead of having to type it out and screw up whatever it is I’m trying to talk about.
This is going to be interesting.
I’m up late again. It’s getting harder and harder to fall asleep nowadays. I’m just lonely I guess. I’m lonely a lot it seems. Normally I wouldn’t be writing in this depressing mood but no one reads these so I guess it really doesn’t matter what I write on here. I’m sure by the end of this though I’ll find something positive to write about. If just for the sake of finding positivity.
For now let’s talk about this loneliness. I don’t seem to do much with it and writing about it seems to help a bit. About a year ago I felt “hollow”. As if there were a hole in the middle of my chest. It was empty and it echoed with that empitness. If you ever experineced this empitiness than you know how much nothing can hurt.
It starts out so small you can’t even notice it until eventually the echoes begin to strecth it open. It gets bigger and bigger till eventually the only way to get rid of it is to surround yourself with people. People to talk to, people to joke with, people to just be with. As long as your with someone that acknowledges you, you feel fine. Till eventually it doesn’t matter if your having an intimate conversation or stuck in the middle of crowd, the pain is always there.
That’s where I’m at now.
I try not to think about it. Push it away. Surround myself with happy thoughts. But that only seems to make it worse. I keep bottling up everything I’m feeling till I eventually burst into an emotional breakdown. Some are mild, like this, and others are more extreme. I always come to the same self-realization either way. A truth that I’d rather bury than admit, yet it keeps following me everywhere.
I have always told people that I have never been in love. However it’s more accurate to say No one has ever been in love with me.
I can’t even imagine someone having a crush on me. There probably is someone who does but, I just can’t fathom why.
I’m not ugly. I don’t say that because I’m conceited. I really feel as though I’m rather good looking. I’m a nice guy, I love to talk, I have so many different interests and I’m very likable. I never found it hard to make friends. Yet I never seem to be able to find the “one”.
No matter how hard I look, no matter how hard I try, I have never in my life found the one person (or multiple persons) who resonate with my soul. Who I could see myself throwing my life away for or just spending the rest of it with. Someone who really gets me and understands me, sometimes even better than myself. I’ve never had that.
I look around me and I see most of my friends in these great relationships and I think to myself ‘why can’t I find something like that?’. Hell some of them have even gotten married already.
6 billion people in the world and my heart aches for the one I haven’t met yet. Someone I’m beginning to believe never existed. Or will exist. I just can’t see it happening for me. Maybe it’s because I’ve never had that connection with someone or ever felt those type of emotions, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand, let alone feel, love like that.
I just keep feeling this void and trying to fill it with any type of attention I can get.
I’m just empty.
Ok. Here goes.
I try not to make a habit to rant on this blog but lately things in my life are causing tensions between me and certain people. Instead of dealing with them head on though I bottle them up and end up exploding on here once I reach a breaking point.
This is one of those breaking points.
You know from past posts that one of my ultimate goals right now is to find a place for my own and move out of my parents house. I’ve been trying to take my time and not rush into anything I might regret later. I was going to drop out of school and move out this summer but I decided to wait another couple of years and try school again. The plan was to change my major to creative writing and get my associates. I knew if I did this I wouldn’t be able to move out but I set that goal aside for the time being to focus on my education. After that I would consider moving out again.
My parents however have been unintentionally pushing me to my limits with them and now I’m forced to make a tough decision. I may sound like I’m whining or complaining and seem ungrateful in the words that follow but please, bear with me.
Since I took this semester off from school to take a break my parents have been expecting more of me around the house. Now that’s all understandable, I agree I’m home more often and I should do a little bit more around the house. I don’t however agree with the fact that I should be expected to do everyone else’s part. I am one person. I can not do it all. Yes I have more free time to do more, but that doesn’t mean all the work around the house now falls on my shoulders.
Clean this room. Clean that room. Mop all the floors. Cook dinner. Help your brother with his project. Stay home and watch your sister. Go out and get me this. We have company coming make sure the house is spotless, we’re busy and can’t do anything but a few simple tasks, the rest is on you.
And then when I try to voice some opposition or compromise I get directed to the front door and told I can leave at any time.
Right now I’m seriously considering it.
Yes I know that they are providing me with food and shelter and expect nothing in return except for some chores to be done. But even when I do get stuff done it goes unnoticed and more work is just piled on top of me. Oh and if they have to tell me to do it I’m arrogant and take them for granted because I should just automatically know to do it. So yeah I have that going against me too.
They don’t even understand why I took time off from school or why I was doing so bad in the first place. I needed the time off. I was juggling 40 hour weeks at work and being a full time student who wasn’t even studying what he really wanted to study. In fact in my last semester my dad picked out a class for me I had to take because he thought I would like it.
I was feeling a lot of pressure and getting depressed just thinking about my future. I felt I was going nowhere with nobody and I would die on the streets alone. I still think like that sometimes. So I took some time off from school to relax a bit and get my focus back. But it has been anything but relaxing these past few months.
I don’t even make plans with friends because I feel I should be home in case my parents have yet another task to add to my endless to do list. I have to lie whenever I leave the house now because I feel guilty for having a bit of me time. I feel guilty that if I go and hang out with friends then I’m not getting something done at home and then I’ll have to deal with that shit storm the next day. My parents would argue that I don’t do anything anyway even when I do stay home. True I don’t do a lot but I do get shit done. They choose not to notice.
So that’s about it. All laid out for everyone to read. I know I’m coming off as an asshole right now but I just feel I’m being suffocated by living in this house. Like I’m trapped here because I’m constantly being told I’m not doing enough. I don’t think I can take it for much longer. I need to get out of this house and fast. When I do I know I’ll feel ok again.
Till then I’ll just have to find another excuse to get out for a few hours.